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sorry--
if my love for him hasn't end,
sorry--
but my heart is trying to mend.

sorry--
please forgive me,
i just can't stay,
sorry--
but promise, i'll be back someday.

sorry--
you'd always remain in my heart.
sorry--
i'll be seeing you again,
after i put back together
the broken pieces of my heart.

Pagtitiwala

Pagtitiwala, isang napakaimportanteng sangkap sa isang relasyon

Relasyon sa loob ng pamilya, pagkakaibigan, pag-iibigan, sa trabaho, o kahit saan mang relasyon

Ang pagtitiwala ay hindi basta-basta umuusbong na parang kabute

Ito ay nagsisimula sa sarili at habang nakikisalamuha sa ibang tao, nabubuo ito at tumitibay

Ngunit hindi maiiwasan ang pagkasira at kawalan nito sa isang relasyon

Iyon ay marahil sa kapabayaan at pagiging makasarili ng mga taong kasapi dito

At iyon ay nagiging dahilan ng pagkawasak ng isang relasyon

Kaya’t ating pag-ingatan ang pagtitiwala na siyang sandigan natin sa ating pakikipag-kapwa

Upang mapanatili natin ang tamis ng magandang pagsasamahan.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

first time ko magsulat ng tula na free verse.. ahehehe, at first time ko gumawa ng tula ngayong college, wahehehe, assignment ko ito sa Kom1 e. ahehehe, kaya pagpasensyahan nlng. wahehehe, share ko lng. wala kasi ako magawa. ahehehe

“Hey,” you call. I smile and wave as you make your way to me. You run your free hand through your bouncy hair and breathe deeply. With flowers and boxes occupying your arm and with your red jacket on, you looked every bit a poster guy.

“What are those?” I ask, pointing to your hand.

“Oh, they’re for her. You know.” Yes, sadly, I do. I know all about your “sweetheart.” You’ve been seeing each other regularly, but you’re not really an item. Tonight is different, though–tonight is when you finally make it official. How can I not know every detail? She’s all you ever talk about. Honestly, I seriously distrust her “love” for you.

“Mind holding these for a sec? I’ll just get something.” I don’t mind, really. The boxes are small and light; the flowers, I can handle. It wasn’t a burden physically, but inside, you’re killing me.

“No, not at all,” I force a smile as I take your presents. You pull out a small piece of paper, retrieve your presents from me, and put that epistle on top of the boxes. It’s been three months and it still looks the same. I recall you telling me how that was the first thing she gave you and now, looking at the note, I marveled at how you took care of it. You mentioned that you kept it in a box inside your room–the box where you store the things that, if lost, would leave you devastated. Not that she would have minded much, anyway. You see, I really doubt if she even feels half of what you feel for her...or half of what I feel for you.

Remember when we were nine? I saved a month’s worth of allowance to buy you your favorite chocolate and those grotesque playing cards. You took them immediately without even so much as a word of thanks. You ate all of the chocolate in three, large bites and begged me to play the cards with you, even if you knew how I have always hated doing so. Being the good best friend that I am, I caved in. With you, I always give in. A week later, you lost all of the cards and only the box was left. Seven years later, you still receive gifts with the same carelessness, with the exception of gifts coming from her.

And on this cold Saturday night, I find myself walking you to her house, just so you could have the moral support you told me you needed so badly. Yes, with you, I always give in.

“Can you recall when I first met her?” You say, scratching your cheek. You gaze at the flickering stars and I clear my throat, trying desperately to find my voice.

“Sure. You tell me that story every other day.” You laugh, I hurt deeply. I liked you the first time I saw you. Yes, you may call it puppy love and yes, you may call me stupid, but you can never, ever blame me for doing so. When we turned 13, someone did graffiti in my locker with a permanent ink. Remember that? You did everything to find out who it was, after which you scared the hell out of him so that he could apologize properly to me. The next day, I saw him scrubbing the metal closet with acetone. That was when I realized that what I feel for you is most definitely not just platonic, and that same day, my heart was crushed.

That same day, when we were hanging out in our front porch, I asked you if you like me. You waved it off as one of my PMS moments and said, without much interest, that of course you do, because I am your best friend. “Who wouldn’t? You are, like, the best girl in my life! Second to my mom, of course. But best, nonetheless.” I was just about to say “Really?” when your seatmate from school passed by. You said, “And that, my dearest partner-in-crime, is the girl of my dreams. Pretty hot, huh? You don’t mind if uh...You know, if I ask you to talk to her a little and...well...” It was all I needed to hear. You had the nerve to talk about how hot a girl is in front of me, and even ask me to help you with her. It was then that I grasped the fact that you falling for me is way too farfetched. You only see me as a sister, and maybe you always will.

“I wanted to show her the first note she wrote for me, you know. I bet she doesn’t even know that I still have this,” you murmur excitedly.

“Yeah.” It is all I can say. I bet, too, that you don’t even know how I feel for you; that I still have everything you gave me, from that candy wrapper to that downright corny watch; that I feel a shock every time you hold my hand. When you wrap an arm around my shoulders or give me a big, sweaty hug, I end up hating myself for thinking that you could ever do those to me in a special way.

You continue, oblivious of how much you are hurting me, “You know, I gathered every ounce of courage I have just to tell her how I feel. ‘Til now, I don’t even know if I really can!” You kick fallen leaves as we pass by a pet shop.

“Oh. Right. Sure. I uhm... I can totally relate.” I look down. For years, I have been praying that I can finally sum up the courage to tell you the truth. But no matter what I do, I simply can’t. I did come thisclose to doing so, though. It was the time when you were walking me home and you lent me your jacket–the same one you are wearing right now–because I was so cold. I whispered then, loud enough for you to hear but soft enough for only the two of us. I told you that I think I was falling for you. Do you recall what you said to me? You said, “Sorry, what was it again? I’m kind of in the middle of something important.” Sure. You were sending her a text message. I’m sorry, too, that you didn’t hear me...because what I did then will not happen again.

“Well, we’re here. I guess you better go,” I say, glancing at the door of the girl that you will soon call yours.

“Yeah. Uhhh... Are you sure that you will be okay going home alone?”

“Sure, sure. I am a big girl now, in case you haven’t noticed,” I reply sarcastically. I still laugh when I look back on how we became friends. You found me crying under the tree because I got scared of a frog, and in a snap, there you were. My knight in–well, not exactly shining armor–orange shirt, and that was pretty fine by me. You picked up a stick and pretended that the frog was a dragon. I am not sure if you really managed to even touch the frog because you kept retreating whenever it came near you, but back then, in my eyes, you were the bravest kid, ever.

When we were kids, you always defended me from the bullies. Nobody bothered me when we were together. Come high school, you always had your way, checking out any guy who would want to date me and telling me if I have to ditch or if he is for keeps. You were always protective, giving me a sense of security. And I always loved that.

You give me a light kiss on the cheek and tell me that I am the best. It was the first time you did that. To you, it may be nothing more than a friendly gesture, given that we’ve been best of friends for 12 years; but to me, it means the world. At the back of my mind, as far-fetched as it sounds, I picture you saying that it was me you really loved all along.

But then you resume, “You are definitely the best friend I ever had.” With those words, my soul numbs. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t give my heart to someone who has already placed his heart on someone’s hands. I am through with this.

“Jeez. You are such a slowpoke. Go ahead. Good luck!” I struggle with my tears as I say those words, trying to fight the sadness that has invaded my thoughts. I know then that I should get out of the place soon, lest I want you to see me break down.

“I sure will be needing a lot of that.” I give you a smile–a smile that masked my stinging heart.

I zip up my sweater and put my hands in the back pockets of my jeans. I turn away from you and start walking back home; as I turn and try to walk away from my feelings for you. But then, it isn’t enough for you, is it?

“Uhh... Wait! Hold on,” you hurriedly call.

“Yes?” I wipe my tears and hope for the best... because really, that’s all I could do.

“Thanks for everything, buddy.” I nod.

Tomorrow is a Sunday. Start of a new week. Brink of a new day. Maybe tomorrow, things will be better.

Maybe.

Naivete


Are you dissipating into a steamy night of ambiguity?
You are having a time for your insecurity
Emotional distress is lurking within
Although apathy is right on the scene

A sense of empathy knocked me
The day when I searched your face thoroughly
I showed some king of incognizance
I took a look again and saw your pensiveness


I thought it was about your payday
So I don’t have much to say
I was wont to see you frowning
Every time your wallet gets into some ravaging

Then I heard your friends talking about you
They say someone’s making you blue
So it’s different from the pay day tune
It’s this someone that has put you into gloom

And now I wonder what’s he like
If he has ever engage with you into a fight
I thought of the way he enjoys your company
The way he laughs at you daintily

I don’t know if I should be gay
You’ve found the one that will complete your day
The one you will share your love with
And who will be there in times of need

But one thing I’m sure of
Even if things gets tough
I’ll be just right here
To lift you up

“You can never love and be wise at the same time”

            Oh it was such fine but quite bothersome day and you were there again in the corner of my mind. I imagine you sleeping soundly on my lap; also, I was brushing your hair and staring in your tacit looking face. I’m thinking that someday my heart would finally find it’s way into yours but then again they’re just like the old vapid dreams of mine. It might crumple and eventually fade away.

            You know how sheepish and clumsy I am that’s why I never wanted to ask anything from you. Guys like me, I guess, should not hope for more than friendships from someone like you.

Sometimes I feel better when your not around because I won’t have to worry about being able to do something more than what others expected me to do in order to get your attention. I wanted to do away with those plans and collaborative works with those friends who want to make you fall for them; but then I realized that I’m just a good for nothing jerk and who am I to blame them for adoring you.

            People often say that love can get you out of your mind and put you into despair, also, give a rain of problems; but as for me, you are an inspiration because you made me do a lot of things that I thought I would never do. Here are some:

1.      Last Monday, I was able to catch 12 frogs and 13 toads for your roommates’ practical in Zoology.

2.      Last Wednesday, I was able to run 600 meters in a minute because I wanted to walk with you in the library.

3.      And last night, I was able to out ran 14 dogs in my neighbor’s backyard just to get your picture back after it fell from my hand and was blown into that dog pound-like lot.

Well that’s not all; but still I can’t help myself from doing such silly things. Now I understand the line in Rizal’s poem.

“Love is the most potent force for the most sublime deeds.”

I asked Bry to drive me at Clark’s to give the wallet back and he agreed. I called Clark and told him I’m coming with his wallet. When I knocked at the door, her mother opened it for me. Her mother’s pretty. When I entered the house, I saw that her mother was doing a painting. I think Clark inherited his skills from his mom. The painting is good. Their house is like a museum ‘coz it’s full of his and his mother’s paintings. I asked for Clark and her mom told me to look for him upstairs at his room. I knocked at Clark’s door but no one’s answering so I opened it. I entered and saw the largest painting in the room which is painted on the wall itself. It is a picture of the park with a girl sitting on a bench. There were leaves falling, and some are carried by the wind. I moved closer to look at the girl. She looks… she looks… just like… me.

       “Cheska?” Clark entered the room.

       “Hey, I’m sorry I entered, your mom told me to go here and look for you but-” he suddenly became uneasy when he saw me observing the painting.

       “uhm… the painting… the girl in the painting… if- if you think that was you, you’re wrong you know…” he said and he sat in his bed.

“Oh really… why did she look exactly like me? And the clothes she’s wearing, I think I have those…” I said right in his eardrum.

“Why would I paint your dorky face in my wall, huh?!”

“I don’t know, maybe because you find me beautiful so you decided to make me a model of your painting…” I said teasingly.

“Dream on, dorky-face! So, where’s my wallet?” he asked…

“Here… I also found a sketch of my DORKY face in your wallet…” I said as he snatched his wallet in my hands.

“You opened my wallet?!” he said and was about to throw a pillow at me. I picked up the pillow near me and threw it right in his face. I laughed as he threw several pillows at me.

“Stop it! I’ll call your mom if you don’t!” I said chuckling. “c’mon Clark, spill it… you just can’t admit that I’m a model material…”

       “Oh yeah? Come here-” he pulled my hand. We’re now sitting together on his bed. “You’re wrong if you think I consider you a model material.!” He suddenly went silent, as if thinking of what to say next. “Okay, I’ll spill. I painted you because… because I like you… since, I mean… since we were in first year… that’s all.” He smiled at me. I suddenly froze.

       “What did you just said? What was that suppose to mean?” I asked.

       “There’s no way I’ll say that again. That’s it. It’s just it. That’s the reason why I painted your dorky face on my wall.” He said, dropping the issue.

       “Wait… let me just clear it up… you said you- you know… but how-” he interrupted and said,

       “Will you just drop it?! I told you already the reason, so don’t ask about how I- you know…” he said uncomfortably… then his face became serious and he said, “But maybe I was wrong… I didn’t –you know- you…” he said thinking. Is he taking back his word when he said he you know, likes me? If that so, how about Lana?

       “What do you mean you’re wrong?” I asked.

       “’coz I don’t like you after all…” I look at his eyes and felt my heart sank… “it’s because I’m in love with you already…” he looked sincerely in my eyes and I suddenly felt his hand holding mine. His face is going nearer and nearer my face, then suddenly he closed his eyes… I felt my heart pounding very hard and faster and faster… all of a sudden I realized that I’m becoming nervous. I suddenly felt my senses back and then I abruptly pulled back my hand. He looked at me with confusion and said,

“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t do that… Sorry, I-”

“It’s okay. It’s just that I- I don’t- know… Clark, I don’t know but, I think I’m not feeling the same way with you.” He moved back. “You see, you’re like a brother to me… the one I goof around with, the one who cares for me like a brother. I really don’t know, but I think this feeling of mine for you is just like… for a brother…” is it?! Oh God, I don’t know… I’m confused…

“Yeah. I understand. I shouldn’t expect you would feel the same way about me.” He suddenly went sad. “I just want you to know the truth. Uhm, remember when we were in first year I asked you to go to the park with me?” he asked.

“Uh-huh.” What about that? Maybe now he felt guilty he made me wait there for hours!

       “I went there. I thought I could sketch you while you’re waiting for me but I’m afraid it would get dark and you’ll go away so I just took your picture and painted it.”

       “Here at your wall?” I asked.

       “Yeah, why not? So that I could always see you as I wake up in the morning until I sleep in the evening…” he again looked in my eyes. I’m feeling uneasy… “I’m sorry, Ches…” he suddenly said and looked away. “Why did I said that?! Stupid Clark! Stupid!” he said to himself… he’s getting weirder… “Sorry, I shouldn’t said that…” he said without looking at me. I can sense that he’s upset so I decided to go.

       “I think I have to go. You know, Brian’s waiting for me outside…” I said.

       “Yeah, you’re right. You should go, it’s getting dark.”

       “Okay. Bye.” I headed for the door.

       “Uh-Ches…” he suddenly called.

       “Yeah?” I said as I turned back.

       “Uhm… thanks for my wallet…” he smiled.

       “No problem.” I smiled back. I turned and walked out the door when he called me again.

       “Uhm, Ches?!” he said.

       “Uh-huh?” I called back.

       “Take care.” He said uneasily. “You know, it’s dark out there, so…”

       “Thanks a lot Clark.” I interrupted. Then I went outside the house where Brian was waiting in the car.

When I got back home with Brian, I called Dionne. She asked what happened and I told her about Clark.

       “Are you sure that’s all how you felt about Clark? As a brother?” she asked.

       “I don’t know Dionne, but I think that’s it ‘coz I never felt what I felt for Brian before. So, maybe what I feel for Clark is not what I felt for Brian before. And I knew that I loved Brian before. Am I making a point here? So I concluded that what I feel for Clark is just a brotherly love ‘coz I never considered him and myself to be together. Ever in my entire life.” I explained.

       “Girl, you know, even though you don’t see a person as to becoming your boyfriend or something, you could still fall in love with him ‘coz it comes naturally… you feel it naturally… no one knows, but maybe you two fell in love with each other as you spent more time together. You know what I mean?”

       “Whatever…” I said. After we talked, we said goodbye to each other then hanged up.

       Dionne could be right. She’s like my mother. I remember when my mom told me that I could fall in love without noticing it. Argh! I don’t know!

       The next Monday, I don’t know how to talk to Clark again. I’m trying to talk to him like usual, but I noticed that he’s avoiding me. I asked him when will we continue our project but he said he’s busy planning with Lana about the painting contest. He even asked me if I could do it myself ‘coz he really can’t make it. And besides, he said, he did all by his self the summary report of our project when we were in 2^nd year. I told him that was totally unfair but I didn’t insist ‘coz I noticed that he’s becoming uneasy whenever we talk. So that time, I continued our project ALL BY MY SELF. Fine. Very fine.

       The next day, he and Lana started their painting for the contest. I can’t approach him ‘coz from time to time he’s busy. Busy eating lunch with LANA, busy talking with LANA, busy painting with LANA, you know, all LANA stuff… one time I tried to join them at lunch. I decided there’s no way I couldn’t put back my relationship with Clark. As I sat with them, I felt out of placed. They always talk about their painting, and I couldn’t relate.

       “You know, we could put some blue strokes at the bottom so that it will look more interesting.” Clark was saying.

       “You’re right. What about adding some-” Lana started to sketch something on a piece of paper to interpret what she’s saying. ‘Why don’t you put some blah blah blah…’ I hate her. It’s totally obvious that she’s always trying to get Clark’s attention. I looked at them talking at each other then finally I got annoyed.

       “Bye. See you around. I think I’m sort of trespassing your own world.” I said sarcastically. They both looked up at me as I stood up. I walked away. Then I heard Clark stood out of his chair and followed me.

       “Ches, what’s wrong? What’s the matter with you?” he asked.

       “No Clark. There’s nothing wrong with me. It’s not your fault I seem invisible there sitting. And besides, I’m sort of… a disturbance between you two. You and Lana.” I turned and then walked away. I can’t believe him. No, really. The both of them. And did you hear how Lana talked? She has this baby talk that’s really annoying when you heard. ‘What about adding some- nyah nyah nyah…’ DORK…

       Days went by and I still hadn’t had the chance to talk to Clark. I decided not to talk to him ‘coz before, he can’t bear not to talk to me even for just a day. But a week had already passed and he still didn’t talk to me. What’s happening to him? What’s happening to the old Clark I knew? Maybe Lana cursed him or something. Maybe she used a magic potion in order for him to forget me. I can’t stand it. I don’t know why, but I think I have to do something. When I called Dionne and told her about Clark and my feelings, she said that I’m totally in love, no doubt. Could that be true? I also told Dionne that I get annoyed whenever I saw Clark with that girl, Lana, and she told me that was because I’m jealous. I also told her that I can’t stand never talking to Clark and she said that was because I felt something for him, not just brotherly love. So I was convinced that I am really in love with him. Oh God, I can’t believe my self. Falling in love with that type of guy? Mom was right; you can’t choose whom you’ll fall in love with.

       Okay. Now, I decided to tell Clark how I really feel about him. I practiced a thousand times in front of a mirror so I think I’m ready. Dionne gave me some tips and it added to my confidence. I was about to wait for him in his locker ‘coz lunch time was not a good time ‘coz for sure he’s with Lana. So I waited in his locker. When I saw him coming, I fixed my self then called him.

       “Hey Clark!” I said.

       “Oh, it’s you. What’s up? Are you still mad at me?” he asked. Yeah, I am still mad at you especially to myself. Why did I fell in love with you?

       “No. I’m here ‘coz I want to tell you something.” I answered.

       “And what is that?”

       “You know, when we were at your room and you told me something… what I told you back I think was not true. I just realized it when-”

       “What do you mean?”

       “I mean, what I told you about what I feel for you was not actually true. You know, when I told you that I have no feelings for you.”

       “So… so you feel something for me too? You mean that you like me too?”

       “No.” I looked into his eyes exactly the way he looked into mine when he told me about his feelings. “I mean that I love you too.” I said, and he became uneasy again. I was relieved when I said those words with sincerity. For the first time, I felt so sure about my feelings for him. After the things we’ve been through, after I realized how important he is for me, no doubt, I’m really in love with him.

       He didn’t spoke a word and I noticed that he’s not reacting the way I expect him to. He walked to and fro, thinking real hard. Then he stopped to face me.

       “Look, Ches, I don’t know how to tell you this but…” he looked away. I don’t understand, why is he acting like this? “Lana and I are together now.” He said and I felt my heart sank. I felt like someone squeezed my heart real hard that I didn’t notice my tears fell.

To be continued…

PART TWO